Amy

1 Kiss is Worth a Thousand Words.......


animalism,
admire,
aphrodisia,
appetite,
appetition,
alertness,
avidity,
absorbing,
alluring,
amiable,
attractive,
allure,
athrill,
attract,
adulation,
affection,
allegiance,
amorousness,
amour,
appreciation,
ardency,
ardor,
attachment
affair,
ache,
appetizing,
absolute
achievement,
ambition,
anticipation,
arousing,
aspiration,
admirable,
angelic,
appealing,
animal magnetism,
arms,
adventure,
affinity,
appeal,
attraction,
amazing,
angel,
astounding,
agian,
adrenaline,
active,
activity,
attention,



bust,
beauty,
bloom,
bunny,
beatific,
blossom,
beefcake,
babe,
blissful,
beautiful,
beauteous,
bendable,
bearhug,
blissful,
butterfly,
body,
broiling,
bewitching,
breakable,
belief,
bright side*,
buoyancy,
becoming,
bewildering,
breathtaking
bewitch,
briskness,
boundless,
breath,
breathing,
bright,
busy,
burst,
bursting,
blending,
boom,
bottom,
boogie,
body language,
beefy,
butt,




couple,
concern,
confidence,
comfortable,
comfy,
cottony,
cozy,
charismatic,
choice,
cute,
creamy,
cushiony,
cushy,
cherishing,
crash,
crush,
cheerfulness,
carnality,
concupiscence,
curve,
crazy,
cool,
confidential
craving,
complete,
cupid,
correct,
cupidity,
charming,
classy,
comely,
caress,
charisma,
charm,
confidence,
coition,
coitus,
copulation,
courtship,
carrying on,
courtship,
clasp,
clinch,
cling,
clutch,
coll,
cradle,
cuddle,
compassion,
crave,
chemistry,
communicate,
celestrial,
contact,
consume,
clouds,
cloud-9,
catch,
caring,
care,
carefree,



delicate,
demand,
dainty,
delectable,
delicate,
delightful,
desirable,
dreamboat
drawn,
dreamscape,
desire,
delighted,
dreamy,
delirious,
dazzling,
double,
doughy,
downy,
deep,
deep-seated,
detailed,
delectable,
delish*,
divine,
desire,
details,
delight,
devoted,
devotedness,
daydream,
dependence
dream,
devotion,
drink,
dancer,
dance,
dancing,
dissolve,
distraction,
detail.



erupt,
eroption,
escape,
exposed,
energy,
elegant,
enticing,
excellent,
exquisite,
emotion,
enchantment,
envisioning,
externalizing,
enjoyment,
eroticism,
excitement,
eyes,
eagerness,
enthusiasm,
expedition,
embrace,
extraordinary,
endearment,
embrace,
endless,
effusive,
emotional,
excitable,
excited,
ecstatic,
elopement (of lovers),
elated,
enchanted,
enraptured,
euphoric,
endurance,
expectancy,
expectation,
easeful,
easy,
emotion,
elastic,
electrifying,
enamoring,
engaging,
engrossing,
enthralling,
entrancing,
eye-catching,
exact,
elemental,
essential,
exhaustive,
experienced
encircle,
enfold,
entwine,
envelop,
explore,
elated,
enraptured,
enthusiastic,
entranced,
euphoric,
enchant,
entertain
erotic,
everlasting,
explode,
exhilarating,
expression,



flattering,
fearlessness,
fierce,
flesh,
flavorful,
flavorsome,
flavory,
full-flavored,
factual,
fast
faithful,
fornication,
feathery,
fascinating,
fetching,
far out,
fervent,
flipped out,
floating,
flying high*,
frenzied,
fine,
future,
fervid,
firecracker,
forever
fleecy,
fleshy,
fabrication,
fairyland*,
fancy,
fancying,
fool,
fling,
fascination,
fascinate,
flexible,
flimsy,
fab,
fold,
fondle,
faith,
fool's paradise*,
fortune,
fulfilled,
flowing,
fun,
fluffy,
free,
fantasy,
fluid,
formless,
fair,
fascinating,
fine,
foxy
flying*,
flower,
flushed,
first-hand,
frail,
face,
fragile,
fused,
fervor,
fidelity,
fancy
flame,
fondness,
friendship
fire,
flirt,
fuse,
flatter,
flutter,
flash,
favorite,
fussion,



good,
glow,
giggle,
goosebumps,
greed,
gelatinous,
good-looking,
gorgeous,
grace,
grand,
gone,
genuine,
glide,
glowing,
gung ho,
good-tasting,
gaiety,
gain,
goal,
Greek god,
glom onto,
grab,
grasp,
grip,
glamorous,
graceful,
glossy,
gleaming,
goodness,
goodies,
gobble,
glutton,
glory,
glimmer,
glee,
gift,
giddy,
gaga,
gallery,
galore,
garden,
gentle,




haunt,
heaven,
heart,
hope,
hips,
hug,
happy,
happimess,
handsome,
hankering,
high*,
hopped up,
hopefulness,
heat,
heated,
hot*,
hots,
heavenly,
hunger,
hunk,
hanky-panky,
hopeful,
heartbeat,
honey,
hands,




idolatry,
in ecstasy,
in exaltation,
inclination,
it,
ideal,
infatuation,
immediate,
in-depth,
indwelling,
inmost,
innate,
innermost,
internal,
intrinsic
involvement,
in heat,
infatuating,
inviting,
irresistible,
intense,
irascible,
itch,
impressible,
intimacy,
impressive,
intrigue,



juicey,
jumpy,
joyousness,
joyful,
joyous,
joy,
joined,
jazzy,
jell-o,
jelly,
join,
jolt,
joystick,
jolly,
jointly,
junction,
jungle,



kindle,
kickback,
kittling,
kittle,
kudos,
kismet,
kicks,
kissy face,
kinky,
keen,
kiss,
kind,
keep,
keeper,
kept,
karma,
key,




laugh,
luck,
live,
living,
likeable,
lovable,
lovely,
love,
lock,
liaison,
like,
lively,
liking,
lovemaking,
lukewarm,
lust,
light,
lasciviousness,
lechery,
lewdness,
libido,
licentiousness,
longing,
locked,
like a puzzle,
lost,
looker,
lips,
lusting,
lustful,
lick,
life,
laughter,
laid-back,



memory,
move,
more,
meet,
movement,
magnetize,
magical,
magnetism,
mystic,
mellow,
mystical,
milky,
melting,
mild,
mad for,
mash,
magnificent,
mouth music,
mouth-to-mouth,
marvelous,
miraculous
mush*,
muzzle,
malleable,
moldable,
mushy,
magnetizing,
magnetic,
memories,
music,
musical,
moan,
merge,



night,
near,
nymphet,
nympho,
numb,
nice,
nymphomaniac,
necessity,
need,
nuzzle,
neuter,
naughty,
naked,
neck,
necking,
nestle,
nirvana,
nibble,
nite,
natural,
naturalistic,
nitty-gritty,
nookie,
nocturnal,
nooky,
nature,
nearby,
nourishment,
nectar,
novelty,
needful,




obedience
obedient
obey,
oblivion
oblivious
oasis,
osculation,
overwhelm,
optimism,
one,
out,
overjoyed,
obsession
obsessive
ocean,
oh,
oil,
oncoming,
oneself,
one-man,
one-on-one,
one-person,
one-woman,
only,
oodles,
open,
opem-minded,
opportunity
opus,







pizzazz,
presence,
pervert,
pulled,
promise,
promised land*,
prospect
pleasing,
pretty,
pulchritudinous
perspiring,
pleasant,
palatable,
piquant,
pungent,
provocative,
playful,
peck,
poetry,
press,
partiality,
pash,
passion,
paradise,
penetrating,
personal,
privy,
profound,
piety,
prurience,
passionate,
pruriency
plastic,
pliable,
pulpy,
please,
play,
power,
perfect
pinup girl,
pussycat,
prize,
powerful,
possitive,
pulse,
party,
private,
productive,
perfomance,



quickness,
quaggy, (means soft. lol)
quaff,
quake,
quaint,
quility,
quantity,
quiet,
quick,



rythem,
race,
rabbit,
rush,
rowdy,
ravishing,
romance,
readiness,
requirement,
ravished,
rhapsodic,
rapture,
radiant,
refined,
resplendent,
regard,
relish,
respect,
relations,
reproduction,
reliance,
reverie,
relationship
reward,
rosiness,
rapturous,
rain,
roasting,
right,
rad,
racy,
rub,
radiance,
radical,
rainbow,
rampage,
rapid,
raw,
rave,
razzle-dazzle,
real,
ready.
reality,
reassure,
reason,
rebel,
receive,
recreation,
red,
reflection,




skill,
shine,
swing,
swept,
sensuality,
sexuality,
sexual attractiveness,
sentiment,
soft spot*,
sent*,
sex,
spaced out,
stoned,
sunny,
sprightliness,
sealed,
stars,
space,
secret,
special,
skin,
soul,
sweet,
salaciousness,
salacity,
sensualism,
satiny,
soft,
supple,
silken,
shapely,
sightly,
splendid,
statuesque,
stunning,
sublime,
superb,
symmetrical,
silky,
smooth,
sandwich,
snug,
spongy,
squashy,
squishy,
sapid,
savory,
scrumptious,
spicy,
sugarcoated,
sweetened,
sanguineness,
security,
stud,
sex object,
sex symbol,
spirited,
stormy,
stunner,
salute,
smack*,
seducing,
seductive,
smacker,
smooch*,
suction
sugar,
satin,
seize,
snuggle,
squeeze
sweat,
scorching,
sizzling,
spectacular,
staggering,
startling,
striking,
stunning,
stupefying,
stupendous
snug,
spin,
summery,
symphony,
sweating,
sex freak,
sexual deviant,
sexual pervert,
sweaty,
sweltering,
slow,
sexiness,
sexual magnetism,
star power,
spacey,
saucy,
smile,
still,
squeezing,
shake,
starlight,
sight,
sound,
start,
spinning,
swan,
shudder,
share,
super,
softness,
senses,
slide,
soulmate,




thrive,
tiger,
toxic,
throb,
tickle,
timid,
take,
thrill,
thirst,
trance,
tremble
together,
thrilled,
tickled pink*,
transported*,
turned on*,
temperate,
tepid,
tantalizing,
tempting,
titillating,
thermal,
toasty,
tasteful,
taste,
tenderness,
the hots,
touch,
terrific,
trusted,
tender,
thorough,
taking,
true,
time,
trust,
thighs,
tingle,
tempt,
teddy bear,
taboo,
tackle,
tongue,
tipsy,
temptation,
teeter,
teaser,
tease,
target,
tart,
taunt,
team,
thee,
takeover,
talent,
tale,
tangle,
tantalize,
treasure,
tribal,
theirselves,
treat,
tranquil,
trying,
tushy,
turned-on,
tumble,




unique,
uncensored,
uncaged,
urge,
up-beat,
utopia,
uh-huh,
ultimate,
ulterior,
ultra,
unafraid,
unashamed,
unavoidable,
unaware,
unawares,
unbearable,
unbeatable,
unbelievable,
unbridled,
understand,
understandable,
understanding,
undressed,
unfinished,
unforgettable,
unison,
united,
uproar,
upriasing,
use,
utter,
universal,




violate,
view,
vampire,
visual,
velvet,
velvety,
vulnerable,
value,
vanillia,
virgin,
virtual,
vanish,
vapor,
venus,
vibe,
vibrate,
vibration,
vicious,
victory,
vital signs,
voice,
volcano,
voltage,
volume,
volunteer,
voyage,
vroom,
vulture,





wet,
whetted,
whine,
whimper,
want,
warm,
willingness,
wantonness,
weakness
wild for,
wile,
win favor,
warmish,
wonderful,
wondrous,
weak,
womanish,
wish,
well-formed,
wild,
winsome
waist,
wrap,
waiting,
wake,
wanting,
whirl,
whisper,
wholly,
wiggle,
wanna,
waddle,
wander,
warmth,
watch,
waves,
weightless,



xtreme,

yin,
yang,
yippie,
yoo-hoo,
you,
yummy,
yielding,
young,
youthful,
yearn
yearning
yes,
yep,
yen,


zeal,
zestful
zap,
zone,
zoo,
zesty,

suicide.......
Current mood: depressed


I need to go to the doctors. I know this. When suicide starts to creep into your mind alot, its time. I know I suffer from depression. And Anxiety. But I figure, who doesn't. I'm taking meds for depression but its been getting worse. And the fact that I'm not telling my mom about it & how I'm feeling is a bigger sign to me, I need help. I'm just so tired all the time. I wanna crawl into a dark hole and just stay there. Headaches are all the time & most the time I just want someone to knock me out so I can't feel it. Even now I feel like a burden writing this. The only thing that keeps me going is my family and friends, my mom would die if anything happened to me. I repeat that over and over agian in my head. When my mind starts to contemplate suicide. I can picture my mama's face. She saves me each time without even knowing it.

Tears roll down my face. And I think..... Do I slit my wrist while taking a nice bath? God no, people will see my naked butt soaked to the bone in my own blood. That stops me. Maybe take a bunch of pills & mix em' with some whiskey? No, with my luck I'd throw up, go to the hospital, get my tummy pumped empty and live to tell the tale. Hang myself? What a joke that would be, I'm so fat what ever I was hanging from would break and I'd probley break a bone at the most. Shot myself? yeah right, with what gun & I'd shake so bad, I'd miss the major kill zone by 2 inches and live. A life worse than this, ugly, dumb & a burden for sure.


No one sees. No one hears. No one knows.


And thats ok. I guess. This is normal right? I'm going to the doctors. I at least need something for my anxiety & stress. And I'll take it each day at a time. Overlapping my bad thoughts with the faces of those I love. I love you....


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Current mood: depressed

i feel like shit. yeah i know i'm depressed. i have days like everyone but this is getting to be everyday. i swear. i'm really getting sick of it. i've been cleaning & it just seems like every one thing i do, five more things fall apart or gets messier. i don't care about anything right now. not college, not writing, not cleaning, not my weight, not even living really. each day i wake up and try to tell myself, its ok. life will get better. you'll be happy. and i just hope one day soon it will.



Wednesday, February 14, 2007

sucks
Current mood: blah

today sucked and its not cause i'm single on valentines day. screw that. i'm ok with being single, really its ok. sure a love life would be nice but i'm not looking for it. i've had one of the worst headaches all day. nothing gets rid of it. like an evil dark cloud thundering at my every move. ughh. ice ice ice, the freaking ice. i hate it! i had to drive my dad to work. took an hour going 15-20 miles an hour. going down the driveway was a suicide mission but it wouldn't have been if my dad had used salt on it like my mom had told him to! they fight over that every winter. never fails. i'm sick of it. I bought salt today and i halfway killed myself walking up and down our driveway carrying 25 pound bags of salt. 8 bags & i got so freaking tired i just sat in the snow on the side of the driveway. lol my butt got so wet and was so cold i couldn't feel it. my mom laughed. i have to admit it was funny. i looked like the little old lady on mary poppins singing 'feed the birds' and slinging handfuls of salt. cars drove by, people saw me. god it was embarrising. what i do for my family. blah.... i made fudge, told everyone to stay out of it, they didn't. pissed me off. oh well. i made more. i wrote several pages on my novel and what happened, my bag fell outside and the snow (i hate it) messed up the writing. have to write it over agian. someone, i won't say who is being an asshole to someone i love & that is pissing me off. i wanna kick some ass. so bad do i wanna kick it. and to make this day really good. i got picked for jury duty. ohhhh joy to the world. i love life. its so amusing. and to all my dearest friends, i love you & happy freaking valentines day.



Tuesday, February 13, 2007

a little poem....with a twist.
Current mood: mischievous


Ich bin Ihr Mädchen, aber Sie wissen das. Ich warte, aber Sie wissen das. Ich liebe dich, aber Sie wissen das. Es gibt nichts in meinem Herzen, das Sie nicht wissen. Für immer sehnt sich meine Seele nach Ihnen.


lol as you can see my darling little poem is all in German. lol but can anyone read it? *evil laugh*



Friday, February 09, 2007

someone tossed me a rope
Current mood: surprised

ok so i'm ok now. yesterday i whined, i cryed, i was depressed. but someone tossed me a rope and helped pull me to the side of shit creek. lol my car is fixed already. it was a recall & they replaced both of the ball joints & my jeep drives so nice now. like a new car, oh wait it was new. lol but i didn't have to pay a thing outta pocket. thank god for that. robert helped me out and took me to pick it up. he also gave me $20, that was so nice. you know he is a huge pain in the butt, but he is like a big brother to me & would do anything to help me. anyways its time to try to fix the other problems and be happy. i'm looking forward to that. i'm also looking forward to a few other things as well. lmao i'm not gonna write all those. hahaha


Thursday, February 08, 2007

one of the worst weeks
Current mood: stressed


This just sucks. The whole week has sucked so bad. first i spend my whole saturday doing something i didn't wanna do but *had* to do. yeah so anyways monday my dad's truck broke on his way to work. radiator cracked from the cold of something like that. So i gotta get up every morning at 4:00 am and leave at 5:00 am. oh joy, thats been fun. i'm poor. lol yeah i've got nada money and i can't get a job yet (all going back to the saturday thing) & i can't seem to think. studying for the act seems pointless. i guess i'm falling into a deep dark hole of crap. And this morning, put the toppin' on the crap cake. i was so tired this morning and i found enough change for a cappichino at mcd's so at 5:32am i pull through, mom & dad with me. & as i'm pulling out of the drive-thru, crack snap boom. my left wheel ball joint snapped. what the heck. so i can't get ahold of anyone. tow truck places are closed. kenton county police station wouldn't answer and the fire station was like no help. lol and yeah i called everywhere! so finally I get an indepence policeofficer and he gets me a tow truck from Jude's. This guy was so nice. he told me that its a recall and the dealership will pay for it and my tow. so its cool. but we are stuck at mcdonald's. lol we were there until 8:46 am. my dad finally got ahold of a friend from work, who had the day off & he drove all the way from ohio to give us a ride home. that was so sweet. we had to walk up the snow covered driveway. lol but we got home. and in mcdonald's these teenagers sat behind us and kept making fat jokes & fat people comments. I swear my mom was on the verge of smacking them. lol her face was amazing, if looks could kill. hers would have. so we get home. no car but the nissan sitting out there. those who don't know, its my dead grandfathers car, its still in his name and we can't seem to get anything worked out on it. so mom says, screw this. we are putting a different license plate on it and i'm gonna drive it. lol dad says whatever, like always. and goes out to clear the driveway. not a half hour goes by when dad comes in looking half dead. says he fell and hurt his shoulder. so now we are up shit creek without a paddle. so what do i do? i eat. write more of my psycho killer story & watch kill bill. this sucks. so i'm gonna go now and sink deeper & try to find some hope some where.

I am happy. lol yes i am. i've been thinking about everything that matters. you know, family, friends, myself, my goals, my future. and it all looks good. lets see, family is pretty good. yeah it could be better but i've decided not to worry and what will be, will be. friends, i have some of the greatest and i can't think you (you few know who you are) enough for your friendship, time, laughter & love. your amazing. myself. i'm getting there. i mean the only thing i want to change about myself is my weight and you know what. i'm 1/2 way there. 50% of the way to that dream. dang i'm doing good. i'm getting there. i'm proud of me. i'm working hard. lol yeah. my goals are college. i wanna double major in psychology & private investigator. then minor in art. yeah yeah i know it sounds crazy, insane. but i will do it. its what i want so i'm gonna do it. blood, sweat & pain will come with my future but you know what. the results will be worth is. i'm looking forward to those sweet, sweet results. mmmmm yes i am. And my parents are so supportive of me, i'm lucky.

i'm happy. hey i may seem like a gloomy hoohumbug alot of the times but really i am happy. life is good, even though it sucks sometimes. lol

its 4 am and i should be asleep. sould be tired, oh wait i am tired. but gosh i can't sleep. i wanna sleep so bad but my eyes won't stay shut. this sucks. i feel like a zombie...i'm not hungrey, lol thats good. but i want to sleep. go to sleep amy, just go to sleep. grrrrr i hate nights like this. at least i have a computer and movies. and i'm not bored. i'm gonna get a drink, start another movie and pee. hehe and go to sleep, or just lay here. and yeah, it all seems pointless to write this but i needed to.

The small tips from private eye Amy.



finding justice and trying to lock up creepy guys

all while drinking whiskey from a cough syrup bottle and taking sneaky pictures

sneaky pictures does not mean perverted. keep your mind on your job.

following little kids to the playground and calling random people

in the meantime i'm hyjacking into the secret unsolved files in the sheriffs computer system, all whitch later i find out are visible online to the public

one must need a flashlite, black shoes (high heels bad) and a paperclip. you will learn to use these items with skill.

never bring your cell phone and for petes sake leave the headlights off when trying to hide.

if using a camera, night vision good, flash = bad

never under any cercumstance (52 hr shifts take a toll on the spellin) give your real name and never speak face to face with the suspect

if you see a murder, always walk the crime scene and look for clues before running away and never touch the body in that way

Stake-outs can run several hours and occur in non-optimal situations i.e.no convenience store nearby, so keep a roll of toilet paper in your vehicle at all times. you may need to go, real bad.

never trust anyone, not even yourself. or the nice old lady who wants to give you candy.

look at everything, remember all, even the color of that one guy who was at the one places socks.

always, i mean always carry a weapon, baseball bat, stungun, pistal, nailgun, fingernail file, anything. plastic forks work too. those suckers are sharp.

if you chew gum, don't blow bubbles.

when tailing someone, keep some distance and never ride their bumper. by the way watching your road rage is good too.

January 5th, 2007

i can't sleep and i had 3 tylenol pm's. its now 12:29 pm and kill bill vol. 2 is now repeating for the second time. moms gonna be upset that i didn't go to bed earlier. i said i'd get up early and help clean/move the living room around. i guess i'll just close my eyes and count. heh maybe i'll fall asleep like that. does counting work........

oh oh oh, right now i'm eatin' an icee, cherry flavor with a hint of vodka. Last night i found out that amanda was taken to the hospital. she had severe stomache pains. they kept her for a day, had her on morphine drip. and the baby is ok. they think its kidney stones or something like that. she's home today and feeling better. Alyssa on the other hand is not feeling ok. She got jumped today by three girls while walking pepper (the dog). She got beat up pretty bad from what she told me, i'm so upset. pepper bit one of the girls, how stupid of them. anyways, i'm gonna go drink my drink and chill out. the dishes need washed along with alot of other house chores. I'm hopeful that the days will get easier and become more organized and productive.

so i'm tired, burned my arm on a hot light bulb, i feel sick like i'm gonna vomit & i've been talking to steve almost all day online. i am feeling very depressed, unloved, and losing hope but still having faith. if that makes sense. mom had chest pains and had to take a nitro pill. always scares me so bad when that happens. and there isn't anything i can do but stuff pills down her and hope she ends up being ok. she won't ever go to the hospital except in a few cases. i got up at 9 am and i feel tired. i also wonder how amanda and the kids are and if they called while i was online. guess i'll be going now. happy 007 new year.

LAst night 4 of the most important people in my life left for new york. It was so hard telling them bye. Amanda cried the most, it was hardest on her. I thought she was just gonna stand there forever holding onto mom for dear life. Robbie was asleep so we didn't get to tell him bye but at least we got to give him kisses with out him yelling. lol and he looked like a sweet little angel sleeping on my bed. Mom doctored up christians leg before they left and gave him like a first aid kit so he could take care of it. he fell into the old cistern hole behind the trailer. ripped up his outer thigh and its a nasty looking bruise. I let alyssa take the book that jessica got me for x-mas. I guess she can mail it back to me. figured she needed something to do in the car for 12 hours. I cried all night, and i now have a huge headache. went over to the trailer today too get some stuff amanda couldn't take. guess we'll keep it till they come back. It was so weird going in there and everything was gone. no cars in the driveway. empty garage, empty house. It really hit me then. standing there, standing in the middle of nothing. The only dog they have now is pepper and two cats. Amanda made me promise not to become a house bug and stay home all the time and not to become an alcholic, cause i've been drinking some lately. I guess i'm gonna try and focus on my life now. and maybe get our house fixed up. I just have to remember that they will be back, and if they don't come back to live here, i guess it'll be web cams and phone calls. and a trip now and then to see how much they've grown. I love them and i'll miss them. They are no longer 7 minutes away. but still close to my heart and always in my mind.

i've been over at amanda's helping them pack and James and jeremy and laura came over and helped. made it less dark on my part. laughing and joking made it easier. I'm suppose to go back over tomorrow. Brandon gave me a bottle of vodka. lol said i'm gonna need it . heh James and Jeremy asked me to go to the waffle house tonight but it was 2 am and i gotta stay up and get my dads drivers licence info so I can get insurance on my sisters car insurance. I'm gonna have her add my car to her policy. blah blah anyways i didn't want to rush my time at the waffle house, thats not fun. So i took a rain check. I can't believe jeremy will be leaving soon for the army. i'm gonna miss him. more than he knows. ok gonna go eat my popcorn and watch a movie. then go to bed at 5 am. haha

Well lets see here. I tryed writting the other day but i suppose my computer messed up and my journal entry was lost. Just goes to show that sometimes the older ways are better. Good old notebook and a pen. haha Life has been hard and confusing. Amanda and the kids leave in two days. Its gonna be so hard. I've had alittle help from a friend in a bottle most nights this week. rum and whiskey, alittle can calm ya down and alittle more will make ya giggle. And it helps me sleep. I've been talking to steve alot (online) and he's a great listener. Gives good advice too. I worry about him but I know he's a smart man and no matter what will happen to him in live, he'll deal with it just fine. oh anyways.....
I got a new car. Went to a dealership. Its a 4x4 jeep. Silver and ok. i wanted the susuki 4x4 but they had this who story about how the bank wouldn't finance a susuki. whatever. at least i have a car. I put in my application at the library. I should start working at the new kenton county library that they are building by ameristop. So yeah.
I can't believe amanda is leaving in two days. And the kids are going too. Its just hard. I can't imagine life with out them around, I don't know anything else. My life has always been circled around my sister and her children, their like my children. Or I thought so, I don't know, maybe I was just too young and I ended up wrapping myself up in their lifes and hide away from having my own. Life scares me. but oh well I'll live. heh
yesterday was christmas and it was an odd christmas. very tension filled. christian, brandon and I had to push my old cutlas supreme down amandas driveway cause her car was stuck in front of it. It was raining and muddy and the dang car wouldn't start so we tried to push it, boy oh boy it was hard. hehe and so we ended up out in the rain after dark moving cars. James showed up and he helped a bit, then i went with him to take christian and alyssa to their dads house. I knew the way, nobody else but amanda did and she was feeling sick so I had to go. Anyways it was a nice ride and i enjoyed talking to james. well I would love to write more but mom is yelling at me about being on the computer and how i need to work, do dishes, clean, blah blah. She said my chocolate fudge was good. that was nice. oh well. bye for now.

well its been alittle while. i fixed my laptop and it didn't have my livejournal stuff on it. so anyways. i finaly got bright enough to figure out i could go to the website. lol anyways i just want to update alittle. amanda is moving for sure to newyork. she sold the trailor for 25,000 and she only gets to keep 5,000 of that. i'm gonna miss them all so much but at least they won't leave until after x-mas. mom and i got to go shopping for robbie. i'm so glad. i thought we were not going to be able to get him much but we did good. lol i'm happy about that. i've cried over them leaving but change is good sometimes. steve helped me last night with feeling better. i'm thinkful i got to instant message him when i did. yesterday evening alyssa & christian went to the movies with me. we saw a funny movie called tenachious d (spelled wrong i'm sure) but to tell the truth. i'd have rather seen saw 3 even if it would be like the other two before it. hey i liked them. hehe oh well i enjoyed going with them and hearing them laugh (that doesn't happen too often) and it was funny that alyssa was hoggin' the popcorn! i feel like there is so much to write about but its late and i need to go to sleep. lots to do tomorrow..

i haven't written cause i've been at my sisters house while she took brandon back. i'm sick now too. i hope i'm better by friday. weasle & i made plays to play yugioh cards. lol ohhh fun. hopefully he will bring matt along & christian can battle too. anyways... i'm alive.

Well, another day another day. I'm going insane. Its Thanksgiving week & its always hard. Hard on us all & that makes it harder, guess we all feel each others pain. At least its on the 23rd & not the 24th this year. Evans death, so sad, so painful. And amanda is afraid she will lose the new baby, just like evan. I feel for her. I love my sister so much, I hate to see her so worried & stressed out. No math today. I've had a migraine for two days. I'm just gonna have to double up and work work work. Saturday I was into something that even dad, the math wizz didn't know. lol crazy. I'm not ever gonna use this stupid stuff. I'm gonna be a head doctor. like i need to know how to measure a room & find out how many sq ft are in it. Or what a damn right triangle is or the formula for it. stupid, just stupid. I'm not gonna build buildings, just fix peoples mental problems. I just love to rant in my journal. Almost as nice as going out side and yelling or screaming real loud. AHHHHHHHHHHH haha I'm a nut. I'll write agian some other time, i'm talking to steve on aol so see ya.....

I've been writting poetry agian. Its from my heart now & its almost like letting people look straight into my heart. The only one who has read them is mom, cause I know everyone will know who & what they are about & I guess that scares me alittle. *sigh* I'm just getting tired, tired of what, just it all. I've grown to see that Love & Lust are two of the hardest things to deal with in life. Sometimes I wish I had not found what either of them were like. I mean I haven't gotten the full taste of them yet but just a peak at them confuses the hell out of me. & frankly scares the shit out of me. *lol* I figure I'll just let my life flow on & I'll see where I go. I'm hopeful it will be a good place & that my heart won't be too badly damaged when I get there. I have the feeling its gonna get broke here soon. Its just a gut feeling & I hate it. I hope I'm wrong.

Just got home, went with amanda to her doctors & she had an ultra sound done. Awww, its so beautiful, the little arms & legs sticking out. kinda looks like a gummi bear. Its a beautiful thing. Wonder what amanda & brandons baby will look like? All her kids look the same so I'm guessing the same for this one. I have a feeling it will be a girl. We'll see how wrong I am. *lol* Gonna stay online for awhile & then start math......... aunt mary called and left a message about uncle Jrs service, hope it wasn't today, she didn't give a date, just a time... *sigh* thats all for now.....

Well I stayed up until 5:30 this morning making peanutbutter fudge for Brandon & doing more math. I figured out I'm going to have to do two chapters each week until test day. each chapter is made up of 9-10 small chapters. So yeah, I'm gonna die a math death. I can't get ahold of amanda to find out when I need to give her the fudge to go in brandons package. *sigh* I'm eatin' celery & drinking water. Gonna be a size smaller by christmas. I will.

Well I did 3 hours of math today, oh my gosh, i hate it! *lol* But I gotta do it. I mean its easy, not a problem there but my gosh do i really need to know all this judt to pass the damn test & so I don't have to take extra classes? Blah..... Steve called tonight, I love hearing from him. He will never know how much I miss him. Or how much I care about about him, or how much I love him...... He sounded really tired, they are working them too much..... I miss him.... *sigh* Anyways, I'm suppose to be carryin' boxs out of christian's old room & then we are suppose to take them to storage. Moms sleeping & I'm just in a mood or state of mind where I just wanna crawl in bed and forget the world & dream for awhile. *lol* Everyone feels like that sometimes & I'm trying not to go do that. Its bad to do that. hehe unless you need the rest. I don't so..... yeah whatever. Talked to Cassy on the phone too tonight. She invited me over to her house to have a girls night & watch movies with jennifer & her sister. I promised mom i would help her with the boxes & storage so... its ok though. there will always be more movie watchin' fun, when my dearest cassy goes on break. Thats all I got right now, brain is too filled with numbers & letters.....

*lol* I feel alittle giddy. . I'm dryin' my hair and the dang hairdryer keeps getting too hot, feels like i'm gonna catch on fire. hehe My study habits must get in gear & I'm gonna have to find a time everyday to slow down and do it. i'll have to pretend that i have a class to go to and tell everyone i'm gone. hehe Amy's mind isn't here right now, please leave a messege.... At least i'll get this all set up before amanda has the other baby. *lol* I can only wait. Its gonna be fun, i think.

So right now my mom is asleep, I put dinner away & i tryed calling cassy back to talk. But got the answering machine. So now I'm starting my ACT stuff so that by Febuary I will be ready for the test. Its not hard just odd to re-plant all this back into my head after so long. Its mostly useless imformation that is never used in everyday life. Honestly who figures out their bills using A(6)xB<7+900 *lol* thats not a real problem, just a figment of my imagination. haha That by the way has been running away from me, thinking up very myschivous things. heehee I've had a hard time this week figuring out my emotions & trying to question ~LOVE~ I hate it when love just kinda sneeks up on me. With no warning or cinceration about my life! I'm starting to sound like a real whako. I'll stop now and get back to the stupid ACT math. Blah blah blah.... And by the way, I could care less about checking my spelling or to see if i missed something with my typing. heehee